Gift Tag: Mommy’s Lap

My little Drummer Boy did not get a nap today.  It was day 7 in one of those weeks.  There has been a lot of excitement around our house.  Last Monday I went for my weekly doctor visit to check on Miss Baby M, and he decided it would be time to induce us at 38 weeks.  That means that when I go to the doctor tomorrow, we’ll find out what day THIS week our baby “seester” will make her arrival.

We’ve been scrambling around, getting all manner of pink baby items, and putting the semi-finishing touches on the nursery.  Mommy’s been working from home instead of going to the office, and getting more uncomfortable by the minute.  Daddy’s been taking over a few more parts of the daily routine than he had already taken over.  Little Drummer Boy and Baby Squiqqle Man have been slam dancing between spontaneous tears, random throwing of toys, mini tantrums and the sweetest blown kisses, slobbered kisses and hugs they’ve been holding in their pockets all day you’ve ever seen.  We know that confusion and insecurity are running rampant.  We know that even though Little Drummer Boy has an amazing vocabulary for which we can take no credit and Squiggle Man knows way more words than we give him credit for, they can rarely articulate what is really going on inside.  We’ve been watching, asking questions, guessing, soul-searching, and giving it a try for quite a few months now–go back to watching and repeat ad infinitum.  Change is hard, no matter how many years you have under your belt.

My Little Drummer Boy has had an extra dose of change lately.  Two weeks ago, he moved up to a new preschool class–new teachers, new schedules, still not wanting to put his tee tee in the potty, but everybody talking about it.  One week ago, he started his first “extra-curricular” activity–an AWANA “Cubbies” club where he’s meeting new friends, more new teachers, and learning Bible verses (doing a great job, I might add!)  Plus, he actually knows what it means to anticipate being a new big brother.  He’s already done it once.  

So, he didn’t get a nap today.  That means he was practically falling asleep at dinner, and I was putting him in bed early.  We read our books, found our blanket and puppy, turned on the music and listened to Mommy sing.  I thought he would fall asleep while I rubbed his back, but then it began: 

Drummer:  “Mommy…”

Me:  “Mmmm Hmmm?”

Drummer:  “I want to sit in your lap.”

Ok, I’m paying attention now.  Requesting to sit in my lap is uncommon these days now that he’s such a BIG 3-year-old– usually reserved for “bo bo” comfort or coersion (read bribery) from Mommy.  I knew this did not bode well for a speedy bedtime, but it was a treat I couldn’t pass up.

He climbed over in my lap, which Miss Baby M has shrunk considerably at this point.  Aside from some of my mandatory hugs, he didn’t cuddle or put his head on my shoulder.  He was content just to sit.  Then, he looked at me and smiled–a couple of times.

Me:  “Why are you smiling?”

Drummer:  “I’m happy.”

Me:  “Why are you happy?”

Drummer:  “I’m happy for you, Mommy.”

Me:  “Why are you happy for me?”

Drummer:  “I’m sitting in your lap.”

It was a crystal clear moment.  I saw deep into his heart, and was dumbfounded by how little it took to get there.  I knew he meant he was happy ABOUT being in my lap.  It was instantaneous security, peace, clarification, and love for him.  I told him how proud I was of him, how thankful we were on the day he was born, what a good big brother he was, and how much bigger Mommy’s lap would be in just a few more days.  And, just as quickly, the moment was gone. My Little Drummer Boy “wasn’t tired” anymore, and we would live to convince him otherwise in another hour or so.

“Teach us to number our days, that we may present to Thee a heart of wisdom.” (psalm 90:12)

Yes, it was a crystal clear moment.  One that underscored a realization that there is no better barometer of wise priorities than to center ourselves in this moment in this place to do what counts most–even if it’s just postponing bedtime for a little laptime.  Although, my Little Drummer Boy misused his preposition, I was actually happy FOR me.  It was instantaneous peace, clarification and love.  I saw deep into my own heart, and was dumbfounded again by the recognition that the best of my whole world can be found in the space of just a few rooms.

Gift Tags are the tiny messages God continues to include with our gifts — 2 little boys and the anticipation of 1 little girl, each with open eyes, open ears, open hearts, and much to teach. “Behold children are a gift of the Lord…” (psalm 127:1)

“Unspeakable”

Cultural Context: The word used by Peter Geren, secretary of the U.S. Army to describe the sights seen by Private James Hoyt on April 11, 1945 when he was one of four American soldiers to discover the Buchenwald German concentration camp.  Mr. Hoyt died on Monday, August 11 and was the last surviving member of the four man team.

“Unspeakable” was right, for the CNN news account/tribute to Mr. Hoyt’s heroism indicated that he had kept his involvement in the liberation secret from many he knew for much of his life.  The story indicates that Mr. Hoyt still suffered nightmares and attended post-traumatic stress disorder support meetings for veterans 63 years after his experience.  Mr. Hoyt had begun to share his memories with author Stephen Bloom.

From the article:

“It’s important that we don’t allow ourselves to lose him,” Geren told CNN by phone. “It’s the memory of heroes like James Hoyt and the memories of what they’ve done that we must ensure that we keep alive and share with the current generation and future generations.”

Captain Fredrick Keffer, commander of the small mission to locate Buchenwald later wrote:

“Memories of evil get erased, for life must go on, and new generations cannot be locked in the past. But they would do well to remember the past.”

It was interesting to me that when army files about the liberation were located, Mr. Hoyt, who was a veteran of the Battle of the Bulge and the recipient of the Bronze Star, had been asked to account for his greatest achievement.  He listed his accomplishment as the 1939 Johnson County Iowa Spelling Bee champion.  The word he spelled to win, ironically was “archive.”  As his story, his sights are now archived, I’m confronted by our need to speak the unspeakable.

We don’t want to.  We want to “lose” the memories, to push them away, to look away from ourselves and the realities of who humans are.  But, history shows us–today’s media shows us–that there is no depth to the unspeakable that man can and will perpetrate on man.  God tells us through the prophet Jeremiah that the human heart is “more deceitful than all else and is desperately sick; who can understand it?” (jeremiah 17:9)

I have always been fascinated by history and mystified by the surreal circumstances of the Jewish Holocaust of World War II.  The accounts are overwhelming in their depravity.  But, they are not unlike countless other situations in the history of our world.  And, it is not easy to point a finger and single out perpetrators over there somewhere in the great category of “someone else”–not when you see the seemingly endless reports of bizarre and cruel crimes that grace the rotating “featured stories” of today’s news.  For all the writing and teaching on our race’s “evolution” toward the best of ourselves, we remain depraved.  And, if “evolution” is man’s way, a chance betterment of our species, then we are doomed to depravity.  For, survival of the fittest inevitably means the destruction of the weaker.  Even the rules of the theory of evolution don’t allow for the possibility that our deceitful and sick hearts can be made truthful, healed, compassionate toward one another.

Beyond the hopelessness of our own evolution, there is a cosmic intervention available.  It’s not by chance.  It’s not accidental.  It’s a desire by a Creator God to take his beloved handiwork back to the communion of Eden.  It’s the new ancient reality that all is not lost, and we can change.  We can BE CHANGED.

“I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit within you; and I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.  And I will put My Spirit within you and cause you to walk in My statutes… so you will be My people, and I will be your God.” (ezekiel 36:26-28)

Gift Tag: Background Music

I was cooking pasta in the kitchen, and I heard a sudden chorus of giggles.  Three gigglers — two little ones and one big grown up one.

“Tickle meeee!”
“Wheeeeeeee!” (translation = “no, tickle meeee!” from the giggler who can’t say most words yet)

I couldn’t resist a peek around the corner.  I saw two little boys lying side by side on their bean bag with arms stretched over their heads and one big boy (daddy) leaned over them with tickling fingers poised.  All were joined in one resounding symphony of giggles.  It was at that point I added my own giggle to the chorus.  And, I couldn’t resist getting in one tickle of my own before getting back to my boiling pot.

It’s a time of change in our household.  We’re nurturing a still new landscaping business, entering new stages from baby to toddler, from toddler to big boy, and preparing for a new “little seester” in early September. It has stirred up even the youngest hearts in our little giggle crowd. Change has become the background music of our lives.  

The one consistency of change is its constant presence.  And, like all background music, it sometimes asserts itself.  At times it’s a dirge, and we are saddened and brought to tears.  At times it’s staccato, disjointed so we can hardly keep up.  At times it’s a waltz, and we think we are finally in a predictable rhythm.  At times it’s forte, a cacophony that stretches and irritates.

Then, the giggles.  That joyous chorus relegates the turmoil of change to its right place — the background. It’s just the hum we learn again to accept.  The beautiful music of laughter has refocused our perspective.

“Our mouth was filled with laughter and our tongue with joyful shouting; then they said among the nations, “the Lord has done great things for them.” (psalm 126:2)

Indeed. 

Gift Tags are the tiny messages God continues to include with our gifts — 2 little boys and the anticipation of 1 little girl, each with open eyes, open ears, open hearts, and much to teach.  ”Behold children are a gift of the Lord…” (psalm 127:1)

Dumb Question?

“Do you wish to get well?”  That was the question that caught my attention as I read this story from the New Testament — an account of a desperate man in need of healing.  In need of hope more.

“Now there is in Jerusalem by the sheep gate a pool, which is called in Hebrew Bethesda, having five porticoes. In these lay a multitude of those who were sick, blind, lame, and withered, waiting for the moving of the waters; for an angel of the Lord went down at certain seasons into the pool and stirred up the water; whoever then first, after the stirring up of the water, stepped in was made well from whatever disease with which he was afflicted.

A man was there who had been ill for thirty-eight years. When Jesus saw him lying there, and knew that he had already been a long time in that condition, He said to him, 

‘Do you wish to get well?’

The sick man answered Him, ‘Sir, I have no man to put me into the pool when the water is stirred up, but while I am coming, another steps down before me. Jesus said to him, ‘Get up, pick up your pallet and walk.’ Immediately the man became well, and picked up his pallet and began to walk. Now it was the Sabbath on that day.” (John 5:2-9)

I am 38 years old.  I don’t know how old this man was, but he had been ill as long as I’m alive.  He’d spent those years day after day waiting for an opportunity for healing — the stirring of the waters — only for someone else to jump ahead of him.  Maybe they were more agile, maybe more motivated, maybe they had more help, or maybe they just coveted the power of the stirring for more trivial maladies.  Regardless, he’d spent 38 years losing his place in line.

Imagine the disappointment and despair each time.  He probably didn’t even pay much attention to the rustle of the waters any longer.  What was the use?

Then, a man named Jesus stopped by Bethesda one day.  Of all the multitudes of afflicted waiting by the pool, Jesus walked up to this man (not by accident, I’m sure.)  Jesus knew that he had spent what probably seemed like a lifetime in this condition.  He knew each disappointment, each and every slighted moment.  But,what a question!

“Do you wish to get well?”

Why ask?  As I read, my first thought was “duh!”  Dumb question.  Was Jesus just making small talk?  Was He looking for a conversation starter?  Was he distracted?  Did He have some need to be asked, a vain acknowledgement of His power?  Was he mocking the man’s past efforts?

No. I know from my Bible that Jesus was not dumb, nor did He lack the ability to cut to the chase.  He seemed to always move with purpose and with kindness and forethought.  He certainly was not self-centered or vain — the cross is evidence of that.  So, maybe my impression of a dumb question was actually the most important question.

Maybe the man had gotten so tired and disappointed that his hope, the possibility of healing, had become dim.  Maybe it had almost flickered out.  Maybe after all these years, it was a question the man needed to answer.  Maybe his lack of hope had become the true barrier to healing.  Was the question meant as a reminder to fan the flame of faith again?

The man’s answer revealed the depth of his despair.  “Sir I have no man…”  There was noone.  He was resigned.  But, perhaps the soul search that question provided begged an answer so greatly that the man was forced to stare down despair.  The waters of his spirit were stirred.  He was confronted with a decision of faith, a call to action.  It’s time to move.

And, this time there was Someone to help him step into the waters of hope and be healed.  “Get up.  Pick up your pallet and walk.”  He had encountered the only man who would help him — the only many who could.  That man was Jesus.

“Thinking” About Water

I saw an interesting post on the My Life Thinking BlogCatalog group called Water by G – great metaphors for what we can learn about ourselves by examining the characteristics of water. It got me thinking…

My family and I like to visit the Great Smoky Mountains National Park in Tennessee.  The park contains lots of rivers and waterfalls (which my husband likes) that are easily accessible without devoting a full day to hiking (which I like.)  Most of the water in the Park is only seen in small trickles or shallow streams, especially at the lower elevations. It’s humbling to realize, however, that the entire mountain range was formed by water over time. A slow, steady and persistent trickle, seemingly insignificant and at times made more powerful by violent storms and the inevitable inertia of flowing downward — It has carved and pushed and molded the earth into astounding new forms.

That which is most hard –- rock, soil, earth — has been moved by that which is most fluid and malleable — water.

What a metaphor for changing a life!  What a metaphor for affecting change in a world!

may, august, november, may

though the air is chilly
and the wind is picking up,
as it blows, I hold on.

I am rustled and tossed,
beaten.
and still I hold on for my life;
for fear of blowing
away.

this was once so comforting.
my place of belonging,
of safety, growth.
but now
the hours of light are fewer
and the blowing
tears me.

it is here.
the coldness.

but, I will clothe myself in warmth.

I will be golden.
I will be rich and deep.
I will choose red and orange.
I will set the limbs
on fire.
I will ride the wind.
it rips my younger dreams
but I will use it.
I will fly.

I will gather up all that is in me,
and I will let go.
I will use every last strength,
every resolve.
I will let go.

the release.

and I soar
scattering my gold.
my brilliant fire
scorching the sky.
I am free.

and though I fall down for some dying,
I am driven by that moment
whey I fly.

and yet
I am the tree.
now laid bare and naked.
by the release
exposed
hybernating.

and then comes the spring.