Monday MeMyBook&Eye: Geek Finale

For my final Bringing Up Geeks post for the MeMyBook&Eye solo book club, I thought I’d highlight a few of the over-arching lessons in parenting (and life) that I’ve gleaned from this inspiring book by Marybeth Hicks. I haven’t specifically commented upon 6 of the 10 geek parenting principles Marybeth outlines: Raising a Late Bloomer, Team Player, True Friend, Homebody, Principled Kid and Faithful Kid. However, I found those chapters  just as timely and challenging as the first 4 “rules” in Marybeth’s practical and common sense approach to parenting in today’s cool-obsessed culture. I hope you’ll go to your local book store or library and form your own opinions about the principles she outlines.

From page 1 of this book, several general themes have stood out to me consistently as very significant, perspective-shifting reminders of the realities of parenting my gifts in society today. While many of the themes reflect beliefs I already had or demonstrate facts I already knew, Marybeth’s observations and advice on how these issues play out in the real day-to-day decisions of 2009 have been invaluable. At the end of this post, I’ll share several specific sections of the book (with page numbers) that I strongly recommend as resources–ones I’ve marked to read again periodically because of their power and practicality. But, first, my list of 8 smart parenting realities I’ve learned from Bringing Up Geeks:

1. Culture cannot be trusted. (As if there were any doubt.) No, culture doesn’t want the best for my child. Culture does not want to educate my child, to keep him healthy, or to help him be the person he was created to be. No, that’s a fallacy perpetuated by culture itself. Culture is not an adequate judge of what is acceptable. For my kids, that would be my job. The cultural machine is made up of people and companies who’s goal is to make money. Bottom line: Culture defines my babies by their demographic markers and their ability to influence spending–end of story.

2. Parenting is longterm. My goals need to be centered in “life,” not in the passing phases of popularity. Children become adults. There’s the ball.

3. Take responsibility. Get a set of standards and stand for them. Parenting my kids is my responsibility. If I abdicate that responsibility to culture, it’s not CNN’s fault, or public school’s or the left wing agenda’s. “We don’t lose authority, we give it away.” (pg. 17)

4. Innocence is worth protecting. Culture’s rushing of my children to know more and do more is motivated by money. Countless research studies show premature exposure to entertainment and activites that are fitting for mature adults increases the danger and risk to children both physically, developmentally and socially. We don’t stop the cycle because we are lazy. Period. I MUST recognize the value of innocence and take the necessary steps to guard it–even if it makes me “that” preschool mom.

5. Standards produce free children and free adults. Culture offers a seductive, but false, freedom centered in a life without boundaries. But children whose status is subject to the whims of the popular crowd, the latest trends and the size of their pocketbooks are chained to just those things. They become adults who are chained to those things raising more children chained to those things. Standards and boundaries provide a safe and secure place for my children to explore the world and become the people they were created to be–FREE of the dictates of culture and popularity.

6. Value true value. Culture establishes a false sense of value that is derived primarily from possessions. I want to base my parenting (and purchasing) decisions on what is truly valuable.

7. Knowledge is parenting power. If I am to make the best decisions and open the most opportunities for my gifts, I have to take the time to evaluate. Going with the cultural flow (even at preschool) is the easy way out, certainly the path of least resistance. When I make the effort to know what is out there, to measure it against my standards, to pause before saying yes, to make an informed decision, my choices have meaning and power.

8. Family trumps friendship. That’s not to say that friendship isn’t important. It is very valuable. But, I don’t want 4-year-old or 6th-grade or even 11th-grade friendships to be the basis of my child’s view of the world. Despite what culture may have us believe, families (not peer groups) are the building blocks of society and the primary means of nurturing and growing productive and principled adults. Family time is vital, and it’s ok to say “no” to protect it.

A few passages of Bringing Up Geeks I’ll be reading again:

1. Rules for Surfing the Net (page 75-76 & 78)

2. Essential Media Literacy concepts from the Center for Media Literacy (page 80-81)

3. Tips for fostering play and hobbies (page 105-109)

4. Guidelines for electronic games (page 109-112)

5. Encouraging Modesty in Dress (page 165-169)

6. Elements of Good Character (page 263-265)

7. Basic “tenets” of “moralistic therapeutic deism” (page 282-283) – yikes!

8. Letter to Katie (page 290-291)

9. Chapter One — just a good reality check!

One final note before I move on to other reading selections: A special thank you to Marybeth Hicks for giving me a copy of her book to review and for her willingness to communicate with me directly rather than through a media rep. It’s been a pleasure!

Stay tuned in the coming weeks as MeMyBook&Eye shifts focus to living by the numbers with 10-10-10 by Suzy Welch!

Monday MeMyBook&Eye: Geeks are Weird

I had to chuckle and shake off vivid memories as I read Geek Principles #3 & 4 in Bringing Up Geeks this weekend. Some of the experiences and thoughts Marybeth Hicks shared in her chapters on “Raising an Uncommon Kid” and “Raising a Kid Adults Like” reminded me of some of the commitments my own parents made when I was growing up. Most of their theories, however, didn’t come from reading the advice of others. It came from how they, themselves, were raised and from their own values and preferences. That type of demonstration is the chief lesson I gleaned from this portion of the book.

“Raising an Uncommon Kid” begins with a simple reality: “Some people think being different is weird.” (pg 90) I’ll say! I was raised as an uncommon child, and I realize that it never bothered me much. I never felt I was slighted in the things that mattered. I remember my childhood as a very blessed and happy one–but one that was uncommon. I never had an Atari game. I didn’t watch most of the popular sit-coms of the day because my Dad thought they were silly and unentertaining. I remember watching the 5:30pm national news and the 6:00pm local news. I never had posters of Shawn Cassidy hanging in my room. I got a balance beam for Christmas one year. I spent my weekends at my grandparents farm playing with puppies and cows rather than going to the movies or hanging out in the McDonald’s parking lot. I watched Lawrence Welk and Austin City Limits on PBS with my family on Saturday night. Yep, I was weird. But, the more I think about it, the more I want to enstill that same weirdness in my own children.

Both of these chapters underscore again the need to be vigilant in how we deal with culture’s influence in our lives as well as the need to establish high expectations for our children. “Raising an Uncommon Kid” highlights the importance of encouraging our gifts to pursue their individual interests, rejecting the pull of materialism and consumerism that so often govern choices today. I believe these values also set the stage for “Raising a Kid Adults Like.” Children who have learned the value of and cultivated the freedom to pursue their own interests are just more interesting. They’ve been shielded from the overindulgence and media-savvy behavior that often promotes disrespect and poor attitudes. Uncommon kids have often learned the courtesies and skills that make adults like to be around them.

The subject of freedom is a seductive one. So often kids (and adults) equate freedom with getting to do whatever they want, regardless of the consequences to themselves, their families or others. Freedom in that regard often produces nothing more than bondage. Marybeth points out that in today’s “culture of cool,” children are subject to the whims of popularity. Now more than ever before, consumerism and selfish narcism are rampant in children (not just teens). Once again, they’ve taken their cues from the adults in their lives. They value what we value–which so often is nothing of real value. Making parenting–and purchasing– decisions for uncommon children, however, gives them the freedom to explore their own interests, their own styles, their own means of self-expression, truly free from the dictates of what company has the most advertising dollars or the coveted demographic market share or the ever-changing “it” people, places and things.

This whole discussion brings to the surface the importance of knowing what true value is and where we find it.  With my children, I need to help them establish a core understanding that their worth and value as people does not rest in what they own or even what they do. It must rest in something more concrete and unchanging. I believe it rests in our status as a wholly loved, immaculately designed creation of the God of the universe. That sort of helps to put the value of self, others and possessions in their proper places.

One of the most poignant concepts presented in these two chapters is the idea of materialism and how insidious its influence can be. Marybeth quoted Madeline Levine, saying that materialism at its core shows “how easy it can be to choose the simple seduction of objects over true complex substance of relationships.” (pg 95)

As so often is the case, manipulation breeds manipulation. I look around and easily realize that the manipulation of media and culture toward materialism leads people to manipulate others. The desire for things, the quest to fit in often leads to children manipulating parents in the form of begging, whining, etc. It leads to the manipulation of others by encouraging children to arbitrarily and inconsistently bestow favor (or disfavor) on others based on constantly moving benchmarks.

“Raising a Kid Adults Like” reminded me again of the importance of manners and courteous, respectful behavior. Likewise, it underscored the reality that if we have low expectations of our kids, they will most certainly meet them. The fact is that respect and kindness are learned, and therefore trained. As I tell my boys, you can always choose to be kind or respectful. (Ahem. Adults, listen to this next sentence.) It is not dependent on circumstances. Although I’d love to live in a world where truly appearances and the seemingly superficial manner of speech is unimportant, it’s not the way of this world. We live in this world, and this world often gathers a first impression by the good manners (or lack of) a person exhibits.

Bringing Up Geeks continues to remind me of the need to live out values before my children, to reject the notion of culture as the master and to take concrete steps to control its influence. With practical advice that can be used on a day-to-day basis, it is quickly becoming a manual for uncommon parenting in a much-hyped, but common, culture.

Geek Episode #2
Geek Episode #1

Monday MeMyBook&Eye: Geek Episode 2

Yes, I’m aware that it’s Tuesday and I’m tardy again. But, I couldn’t get past the alliteration.

Dumb and exposed. That description seems to be the benchmark of popularity in our culture today. Just take a look at the television line-up to see how many overexposed reality shows are gracing the airways in the name of entertainment. Dumbing down looks to be the trend du jour. And the dress code is, well, low-slung and narrow in places where it used to be wide.  ”I’m hot” seems to be the new mantra of a socially acceptable generation that values knowledge–not of books, but of almost every conceivable manifestation of popular culture. To be “in the know” is often the barometer of cool in the “whatever” generation. And, cool is getting younger and younger.

Roll camera on Geek Episode 2. My first selection for the MeMyBook&Eye solo book club has been Bringing Up Geeks by Marybeth Hicks. Marybeth was kind enough (many moons ago) to send me a copy of her book, and I decided to make it my first foray into the concept of a serialized review. It’s been another many moons since Geek Episode 1 (insert well-intentioned excuse here), but I am no less a champion of this inspiring book.

As I quoted in Episode 1, Marybeth offers 10 geek strategies to help parents promote “innocence over exploitation, substance over style, and genuine self-esteem over superficial acceptance.” Sold. The first is “Raise a Brainiac.”

As Bug would say, “I like it!” The Brainiac lifestyle Marybeth describes values being smart over being cool. It’s about training and allowing my children to explore their God-given curiosity and creative spirits, independent of what others may see as popular. What a way to instill confidence in following their passions and convictions as adults! Again, to me this book is so much about thinking beyond the moment, about parenting for adulthood. It’s about raising my kids to be the kind of grown-ups that can impact the world. A few lessons stood out.

1. Raising a brainiac is about the process, not necessarily the trappings of achievement. It’s not hopped-up on status seeking, but finding the value and joy of learning along the way. Note to self: I was that kind of child–and am now that kind of adult.  I want my gifts to believe they are smart and know that’s ok. In fact, it’s good and has lots of perks.

2. I need to find ways to meet my child at his place of curiosity and encourage exploration. When curiosity is encouraged, confidence is gained.  Marybeth writes, “As children gain confidence, they naturally reach further beyond their comfort zones to discover new and more interesting things. Confidence feeds curiousity, and curiosity fuels development.” (pg 39)

3. Pay attention. (hmmm. there’s that pesky theme again.) Marybeth enumerates the concept of 8 “intelligences” proposed by Dr. Howard Gardner of Harvard University: linguistic (word smart), logical-mathematical (number/reasoning smart), spatial (picture smart), bodily-kinesthetic (body smart), musical (music smart), interpersonal (people smart), intrapersonal (self smart) and naturalist (nature smart). By watching and listening and playing, I can find each of my children’s particular area of smart expertise and feed it.

The second geek strategy is “Raise a Sheltered Kid.”

Raising a sheltered kid is about protecting innocence. But, I can’t escape the truth that protecting innocence begins first, by valuing innocence. Not an easy task today. Take one look at Britney Spears or Lindsay Lohan or Jon & Kate Plus 8 and it’s clear that in today’s culture innocence is something to be tossed away, or at the least hurried on through.

Protecting innocence is not a passive endeavor. Through this chapter I was so inspired to NOT give up my children’s innocence without a fight, without taking a stand. To not give it away for the sake of convenience or busy-ness or indifference or cowardice at ruffling a few parent or peer feathers. Marybeth wrote, “…I believe we lose sight of our children’s most basic needs when we focus on time limitation, the changing and pervasive nature of media technology, or the reactions from our children and their friends. The culture of cool has changed the way we have to approach our job as parents, demanding that we take the time, know the media landscape, and determine what’s really best for our kids.” (pg 62)

As a parent, it’s up to ME. I must take the time. I want to make clear and informed choices for my kids and not pass the responsibility on to other parents, other kids or the culture itself. My boys and Baby Girl (and the gifts they have to give) are too important to me and to this world.

The Sheltered Kid chapter is full of practical guidelines. Some of the internet practices the Hicks family has put in place, alone, are well-worth the purchase of this book. There is also some great foundational information about the nature of media messages themselves (which I think I’ll save for another post.)

Marybeth wrote about the negative reputation being a “sheltered kid” sometimes has–what with the ever-present need to be in-the-know at younger and younger ages. But, she really brought it back to the definition of a shelter itself, the purpose of which is to protect and shield. Although her children no doubt stand out in their lack of knowledge or participation in many things, she wrote, “They see our shelter as an expression of our unfailing commitment to assuring that their childhoods are a time of innocence and wonder, and they know our limits are a reflection of our love.” (pg 83)

Innocence and wonder. If those don’t warrant a shelter, what does?

*Update: Read Geek Episode #3

Monday MeMyBook&Eye: Geek Episode 1

Welcome to Geek Episode 1 of the MeMyBook&Eye solo book club. (Point-click your membership card to the left.) As you know from here and here, I’m reading Bringing Up Geeks by Marybeth Hicks. And, in case you didn’t know, geek is the new cool.

In just over 300 pages, Mrs. Hicks advocates an approach to parenting that rejects the “culture of cool” so prevalent in our society and advocates raising “genuine, enthusiastic, empowered kids.” And, from what I’ve read so far, it makes A LOT of sense.

“My goal with these ten geek strategies is to launch a child-rearing movement that promotes innocence over exploitation, substance over style, and genuine self esteem over superficial acceptance. I hope they inspire you toward your most courageous, effective, and satisfying parenting experience.” (pg. 24)

Eighty-something pages in and, yep, I’m inspired.

I had to laugh at Mrs. Hicks’ opening story about a fellow school mom who took great issue with Marybeth’s description of her own children as geeks. After the experience she said, “I trudged back to the van, all the while wondering why it was so important to that mom that my children be popular.” (pg. 2) Why, indeed? As the book makes the case, popularity today equals a sort of pseudo-adulthood. Knowledge equals popularity, being in the know (and often in the experience) about culture–what’s big in celebrities, movies, fashion, toys, girls and boys. In pondering (and deciphering) my notes, three thoughts from the opening chapter completely got me on board the geek train.

Popularity is learned by example.
The start of Bringing Up Geeks reminded me that although every person wants to be liked, children don’t come out defining popularity in terms of social culture. They learn the importance of popularity by example. In my mind, there is a clear distinction between the desire to be loved and the desire to be liked. The desire to be loved (which transcends popularity) is something we are born with. The desire to be liked is something different. Sadly, I think it’s often the parent’s ideas of what constitutes popularity that begin a child’s quest.

Even at my kids’ young ages, I see lots of parents rushing them through their innocence, rushing past Winnie the Pooh and Elmo, and on toward Hannah Montana and the Jonas Brothers. It’s not always easy to go against that flow. As Mrs. Hicks put it, “raising uncool kids takes effort.” (pg. 2) And, in my limited preschool experience, it’s not for the faint of heart.

Childhood is important.
“A geek is an empowered kid enjoying an innocent childhood.” (pg. 5) There is a normal process of maturity that culture often tries to circumvent. It rushes our children past preschool into some mini-size version of adolescence and then on to a pretend version of adulthood.

But, that process is short-sighted. It produces an artificial maturity without the true skills for wise choices. I want to think long-term with my boys and Baby Girl. I want to start raising them NOW to be the kind of grown-ups I’ll admire when the time comes–real, productive, powerful, compassionate adults, not a cheaper Hollywood version.

My kids are more than culture expects them to be.
Look around. Culture has set the bar so incredibly low for my children. They can’t be expected to behave. They can’t be expected to sit still. Asking them to speak and act with respect might hurt their tender feelings. They can’t learn when they’re in the “terrible twos.”

Wait a minute. My kids are better than that. They deserve better than that. As Mrs. Hicks reminded me, “I’m convinced our kids will meet us where we expect to find them.” (pg. 21) I want to expect more than what culture tells me I can. And to do that, I have to be even more relentless than culture is. The time and energy I neglect to spend in protecting their childhoods will be quickly filled by a culture that is relentless in pursuing and having its way with my kids.

Uh uh. Not on my watch.

Needless to say, I am completely inspired to master culture in the life of my family, rather than be mastered by it. I’m resolved to be my kids’ champion by raising my level of expectations beyond what culture says is important and acceptable. Because I believe my children can accomplish more.

Thanks, Marybeth! Stay tuned for MeMyBook&Eye Geek Episode 2. It’s thoughts on raising a “brainiac” and a sheltered kid–GEEK rules #1 and 2.

*Updated: Read Geek Episode 2