17 Days on the Wagon

Yeah.  The Junkie has been on the wagon for the last 17 days.  In some situations, being on the wagon is very good (and I mean VERY.)  But for EyeJunkie–not so much.  It’s been 17 days since I posted anything that was meaningful and “right now.”  Yes, I’ve posted interesting photographs, some poetry I’ve been wanting to add, links to freelance articles–but nothing that really speaks to where my soul is at the moment.  That usually means that I can’t really put my finger on where my soul is at the moment.  Not good. 

I know I probably need to write.  I want to write.  I think.  Still, I’m kicking, screaming, and procrastinating.  It’s taken me three days to write this post.  But, here I go.  Finally, a tumble off the wagon.

Why so long between fixes?

1.  I have legitimate reasons.  (said defensively to myself)  I’m 8-months pregnant for crying out loud.  The ETA for the divine Miss M is five weeks away.  It’s July and hotter than the devil’s domain. But, I’m still hot-flashing, so my internal temperature is about 135 degrees.  Just standing on the porch makes me sweaty and out of breath.  Heck, just standing period makes me sweaty and out of breath.  There’s no room in my lap for Squiggles or my Little Drummer Boy, let alone both.  So, somebody has to sit ON Miss M, which makes me feel like I’m about to birth her right now!  I need a nap after just taking a shower.  I can’t see my toenails, let alone paint them which is really a moot point anyway since my feet won’t fit into any cute sandals at the moment.  So, writing is not really at the top of the list, ok.

Whew!  It felt good to get that out of the way.  Sometimes a little whining at the top of your lungs does the trick, but I’m getting a grip now.

2.  I have nothing to write about.  At least, that’s the surface reaction.   But, since writing is inevitably tied to thinking, it usually means my brain is so FULL I can’t get a handle on articulating my thoughts.  I can’t get my hands around what’s going on inside.  No thoughts = no writing.  The complexities of daily activities and the unexpected effects of all the change in our lives make for quite a juggling act.  Even the most expert jugglers sometimes find themselves with too many balls in the air.  Every action turns into a reaction–thoughts to a minimum relying on an overactive coping mechanism.  My instinct is to go with it and try to keep the balls in the air at all costs.  Unfortunately, that’s usually the last thing I need to do.  

My solution–drop a few balls.  Drop them all.  They don’t break.  They just bounce.  That gives me the chance to examine them, see where they go, find out where they roll to a stop.  My friend calls it “Take 10.”  Presto.  I CAN actually think and decide and act — and write!  And, for me, writing means I can think better.  Pretty soon I’m back to juggling, just with a little more balance and not as much Tylenol.

3.  I have too much to write about.  At least, that’s how it seems when I get like a creative deer in the headlights.  You see, I like to use the nifty “stickies” feature on my Mac.  One is devoted to writing ideas.  Only, now my one has expanded to two.  Stickies — my frenemy.  Ideas are good.  They’re great when paired with freedom.  But, when they start to become a burden, they can produce creative paralysis.  I’m intimidated and overwhelmed by the sheer possibilities.  I’m at a total standstill.  

My solution–choose a starting place, one idea.  Whether I’m writing, designing or planning a birthday party, the first step is choosing a place to begin and then having the courage to follow through.  I can begin anywhere.  Ideas aren’t precious.  They’re not my children.  They are just ideas, baby thoughts that may or may not grow.  It’s ok not to explore them all.  One that’s half-baked now might get all warm and bubbly sometime later.  In my creative pursuits, I must strike a balance between giving myself a break and holding myself to a healthy state of accountability.  When that balance finds its place, creativity can flourish.

So, here’s to falling off the wagon without getting bruised!  Let the writing begin again.